i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
