Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
