Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
organizing the empties. That sober.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
