The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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