Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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