I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
