i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
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