Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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