Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
