I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
