the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
