Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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