i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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