I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize
