Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
