can u get pink eye on your cock?
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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