I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
you will always have a special place in my vag
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
