i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
