I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
it's not cheating when I paid for it
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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