I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
