You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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