if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
