I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I love you. Go after that dick
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
