Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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