I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Dating After Heartbreak
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Bring me that man meat
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.