i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
... don't judge me
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
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We have so much sex to catch up on
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year