What did we do last night that was yellow?
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Randomize
