Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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