i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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