Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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