I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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