I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
