I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Actions speak louder than pants.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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