First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
