i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
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