dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
