I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
We left the knife in your bed.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
