on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Send help, water and tortillas.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
