the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
