I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
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