my room smells like sperm. sweet.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
