you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
