I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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