She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
