Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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