I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Randomize
