My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
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