What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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