Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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