I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
