I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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