maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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