When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
