My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
