We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
