that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
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Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
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Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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