I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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