is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Randomize
