After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
