I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
