just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
